Thursday, December 28, 2006

Potential Presidential Hotness

Oh that John Edwards - he's soooooo dreamy...... You know you're getting old when you look at what may be our next Commander in Chief and think to yourself "yeah, he's toooo....tally doable."

A google search for steamy John Edwards photos reveals that not all John Edwards' are bootylicious.....


- probably smells weird
- too much eye bag
- doesn't seem like he'd be much fun to go out drinking with


- smile is too gummy
- not enough manscaping
- might be gay


- too hobbitt-like
- stubby arms (Matthew McConaughey laughs at this guy)
- who let this guy out of the house with those pants on?



Not that John Edwards is the first politician I've ever had impure thoughts about. No that distinction belongs to hottie Bill Clinton version 1994 - RAWR!!!!



"Hillary and I have an agreement..."

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Creepy


He is going to get so much shit for this....



" A boy's best friend is his mother..."
- Norman Bates

Monday, December 25, 2006

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Unfortunate Ad Placement Part Deux


Okay - First of all - People, please! If you can't keep animals from gnawing off parts of your kid's body while you sleep off your last bender - DON'T HAVE ANY FRIGGEN KIDS!!!! It's called birth control - look into it! Not everyone is equipped to raise future generations. Know your limits. I don't want your neglected, pissed-off-at-the world kid killing my kid, someone else's kid, or me!

Now that I've got that out of my system - check out the ads for ferret supplies next to the horrifying news story about the baby whose toes may have been chewed off by.... wait for it.....wait for it.... A FERRET!! I guess we're lucky they weren't advertising toe socks. Yes - maybe a cage would have been good, because you never know what crazy bullshit a ferret is apt to pull when left to it's own devices. That foxy ferret was probably dipping the kid's toes in drawn butter for optimal flavor enhancement while the "parents" slept.

Ugg, stuff like this makes me wish my parents were still alive so I could thank them for not killing or maiming me. Not that they didn't try though. My dad used gasoline to clean everything. Including hands. Including my hands. Hey, he only set himself on fire once and he never set me on fire. Then there was that one time in Canada when I was almost eaten by a wolf. I was covered in guts and blood from cleaning fish and my dad thought it was okay for me to wander off alone to the edge of the woods. The same woods that were full of hungry wolves. Probably a bear or two as well. I'm pretty sure that was the same summer he took me fishing and our tiny, aluminum boat almost got knocked over by a pod of crazed Orcas.

This is a fairly accurate depiction of that day. *

That was exciting.

My point is - I'm not dead, I still have all my fingers and toes and I have a shitload of cool stories to blog about. But I am starting to question whether or not my parents took out a life insurance policy on me.

* yes - that's me in the green dress

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Now With More Beak


The man eats canned birds!!!! Ba-Gawk!!!! - That's bird for "GUILTY!"

Click this link to see the Reuters story about the 37 year old suspected serial killer arrested in Britain.



Also check out the ad for Viagra that appears to the right of the story. When he's not out killing prostitutes, he's a successful actor/model appearing in ads for erectile disfunction! OMG!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

He's Country! As In That Kid Who Played The Banjo In Deliverance

Britney Spears' new boy toy looks like Nick Lachey's retarded brother. Dude? Are you kidding me with that huge keyboard around your neck? Even you must realize it's amazing that you're getting laid.

My new favorite way to pass the day is to log onto the x17online.com site. In addition to photos of Britney being unable to keep her vagina out of public view, this site contains tons of video clips of Britney being confused by common tasks like how to operate a gas pump or how to start her own car. Endlessly hilarious it is! I'm secretly very jealous of really dumb people. I mean how awesome would it be to not be burdened with worries about the war in Iraq, genocide in Darfur or global warming. Really. I wanna be country too!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

White People Attempting Rhythm



2 minutes and 2 seconds of brilliance!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Really Ugly Americans



Iraqi kids being taunted and made to run for water by U.S. soldiers.

This sucks.