Dear Tacoma,

Please stop setting your farts on fire. Thanks!

That's Hot!

Sure the internet is full of creepy, unfuckable guys trolling for 12 year olds - but it also has gems like this! Could more be right with the world? I think not!

PleaseDontKillMe.Org

To the elderly woman who almost maimed and/or killed me about half an hour ago....

You might want to look up this website. This sign means you have to stop! What it doesn't mean is that you should blow through the intersection at 50 mph! I don't care how great a sale they are having at the yarn store, I don't want to die! There. I feel better. I know I complain about stuff a lot, but I really do like living. I also like being able to get around without the assistance of a wheelchair. Oh, I also enjoy not having a head injury. I'm actually kind of freaked out that if I had driven into the intersection about five seconds earlier, granny would have smashed into me. Excuse me now, I need a Cadbury coconut creme egg to take the edge off.

Can Polar Bears DJ?

Cause Knut totally has all the right moves!

I can't promise that this is the end of my Knut obssession. It's the perfect storm really - my German heritage combined with my love of polar bears. Maybe I'll be over Knut once he mauls someone. Until that happens, enjoy the cuteness! Or should I say....Knutness.........

If You Squint You Can See The Helicoper

Ever wake up to the sound of about 20 police cars and several police helicopters circling your house at oh, say... 1:30am? I did last night and boy was it exciting! I've carefully documented the nights events in the picture above -no that's not a distant galaxy - That's SPD taking names and kicking some ass! Well kinda - They kicked my ass out of bed at least. Apparently three idiots started shooting at people downtown, the police showed up and told them to stop it, they said FU and took off north on I-5. Next I'm assuming they exited on 65th ST and headed east toward Poopville. We have a lovely park here, what better place to ditch your bullet riddled van, split up and try to get away on foot. And guess what? It worked! Two of these creeps are still out there, one guy was shot and actually walked back downtown to the hospital. Thanks guys! I was going to write a post today about my cat taking a crap in my hair, but this is so much more exciting.

Heather Mills Was NOT In Wings

Can you believe I had this argument with a 32 year old today? Geez. Paul McCartney was married once before to a woman named Linda. She had two legs and was a lot nicer than Heather Mills. She couldn't sing for shit, but Paul loved her and had to have her around all the time so he put her in his band. Damn it people - this is basic pop culture knowledge stuff. I spent ten minutes of my precious morning arguing about this. This is what too much time on your hands will lead to - ridiculous arguments/situations with other people who also have too much time on their hands ---> later this will lead to an awesome post I will call..... I'm Basically Larry David With A Vagina. There I said it. Vagina. And I'll say it again. Vagina!

Fox News Is Completely Retarded

Seriously? Really? It's such a slow news day that you're interviewing that goofy kid who was crying during a taping of American Idol? Oy! It was painful to watch too. Remember being about 12 years old? Sucked didn't it? Now imagine being plopped onto the set of a news show and being asked about your love for Sanjaya by some creepy, old, make-up wearing news anchor. Awkward! If you missed it - I've compiled some of her responses to his intense questioning. "yeah...." and "yeah....hee, hee, hee" and "um, yeah...." Get with it Fox! That was lame. Or should I say - lamer than ususal.

If I ever get my hands on a time machine, remind me to NOT enter the year 1977!

Hey! You Got Shatner On My Reznor!

Filthy Rich Zombie Hands

Last week I had the rare opportunity of sitting one seat away from the wife of someone recently listed on the list of Forbes billionaires.

WRONG!Nope, it wasn't Mrs. Bill Gates. Although I was behind Bill in traffic once. The Montlake bridge was going up - he had a huge hissy fit and pulled a big U-turn instead of waiting for the bridge to come back down. Word of advice - when a nerd is freaking out - just get the hell out of their way!

Anyway, so back to my original subject - I'm wondering - what kind of a ring does a billionaire's wife wear? We have to be talking at least 5 carats, right? She was right behind me so I had to do a casual, over my shoulder, head turn as if something else was attracting my attention. Damn! I strained my damn neck for nothing. No ring. No nuthin. Just those scary zombie hands that skinny bitches over the age of 25 get. Angelina Jolie has them. Veiny, boney, knuckely hands contained within the thinnest layer of skin. Ladies - eat a cupcake once in a while - you can be too thin. Trust me on this one.

Green Stuff Is Coming Out Of My Nose

Does that count? I'm part Irish and I am trying celebrate this wonderful day, but I'm sick as hell. Here is the only photograph I have taken of an actual leprichaun. This is also proof that St. Augustine, Florida is a strange place. Full of strange people.


I'm currently watching Man Vs Wild. If you haven't had a chance to see this show you should. Especially if you find hot Englishmen at all alluring. The show is basically this dude named Bear Grylls who is (hot) dumped in the middle of nowhere. He has to live off the land and make his way back to the first sign of civilization. It's pretty great and Bear ends up removing his shirt a lot. Sometimes it gets weird though. Like today's show - he's in Africa, very thirsty, finds some elephant crap, squeezes it over his head and drinks the liquid that comes out of it. Yeah, I almost hurled - but I would still make out with him. I mean after he brushed his teeth and stuff.

Bear Grylls

What you find if you mistakenly google "Bear Grills." Yuck.

Flaming Dockers

We're really still dealing with Napoleon? Oy.

Hey El Nino

Enough already! We can't handle snow here. We like our weather to be like the people - passive-aggressive - not straight out aggressive. Some rain would be nice with temps in the high 40's. Thanks!

Snow Day! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Great. It's snowed TWICE in Seattle this fall/winter. What the hell? We put up with the rainy, grey weather here because it's not supposed to get cold enough to snow. Crap. Now I have a kid at home who will be up at the crack of 1 or 2pm demanding food. I used to love snow days. Now they are just lame, lame, lame!!!!



"This fucking sucks!!!" -- My car


Kind of pretty though - even if I am housebound.

Steve Jobs Deserves A Handjob Because This Is Freakin Awesome

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!

I can hardly wait to get one of these!

Is Handjob One Word Or Two?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

2007... So Far Not So Great For Man

Remember When Ethan Hawke Didn't Look Like A Dried Up Old Prune?

That would have been about 1993 - Kurt Cobain was still alive, Clinton was in office and Ethan was starring in the movie Alive. This was based on the book about the rugby team that crashed in the Andes in 1972 and survived there for 72 days before two guys trekked out of the mountains to find help.


Current view from my bed. I know it's 70 degrees in here and I'm under a sumptuous down comforter but this movie is making me fricken cold!

Why am I watching a movie made in 1993? Cause I just read this book and it was amazing. Read it and appreciate central heating, warm beds and not having to eat your friends.